Wednesday, October 6, 2010

1950's Expectations in the age of the Millenials-What Ever Happened to The Cleavers?

Let me refresh your memory, June and Ward Cleaver were the parents on "Leave it to Beaver" a 1950's sitcom that I used to watch in syndication as a kid-they were the epitome of the American Dream and American Family Life with the family being led by a strong Patriarch and Matriarch whose job was to stay home and keep her husband and two boys well fed and happy!

Maybe some of you can't relate to the Cleavers as the title suggests-but perhaps the Huxtables from the Cosby Show? (How many of you can remember Thursday nights on NBC??!!!)
Flash forward to the 80's and there was Claire and Cliff Huxtable-the upscale, bourgeoisie representation of two successful African-Americans that were Captain and Co-Captain of a nuclear black family. They were both equally strong, but Claire deftly managed to maintain her role as strong wife without emasculating Cliff' on many occasions-she knew how to keep the peace and she played her position well. In return, he respected and cherished her as his Partner. We all eagerly anticipated what would happen each week while watching the idyllic vision of black love, family life and success come to life on the TV-a very different depiction from "Good Times" -which depicted the daily struggles of a poor, Chicago African-American Family in the 70's, but nonetheless still very popular as we were able to watch and admire how a black family that stood by each other through trials and tribulations with another strong Patriarch and Matriarch at the helm to guide their children through a turbulent political climate and tough everyday living environment. Florida Evans couldn't stay at home and as strong as she was, she knew her role and let James be the the Captain and the guide.

What's my point? I daresay think TV has influenced many of us and our Fairytale conceptions of what relationships/dating mean in this Digital 2.0 Millennial era. Considering that our generation most likely only saw a two-parent household on TV-it's easy to believe in the Fantasy.

Our environment has changed folks, shouldn't we adapt with it? Those were much simpler times, with less access, less options and less choice than now. You can continue to live in the fantasy that was the Cleavers, the Huxtables and in some way the Evans household (on Good Times) and die or adapt. (I don't actually mean die -but you will sit at home without a date ladies!)

For example Ladies, many of us don't want to approach men or take the "First Step". As a Matchmaker, its my Job to make the first-step for you, but honestly, after I make the first introduction the rest is up to you. What I've seen is that even though two individuals may have had a great date, the woman will not reach out to the man unless he reaches out to her first, and if she doesn't hear from him in what she deems a reasonable amount of time, ie. 2 or 3 days-she writes him off.

OK-I know many of us have read "The Rules" and want to stick to our guns to let the men pursue us-but really? Please review what I wrote earlier-in the digital era and in particular big cities-such as our fair Big Apple we now have more access (as in communication) , more choice (as in lifestyle) and more options (as in people we can date).

So you had a great 3 hour date-and afterwards, I hear that there was a connection, but he hasn't called you in 2 days so he must not be that interested. HELLO???? Why is it your automatic assumption that he's just not that interested???..maybe work came up, life happened, he got sick, busy, theory is he wouldn't have spent that much time with you on the date if he wasn't feeling you in some way. Men are factual and simple, if he wasn't that interested -it would've been check please after 45 -an hour at the most.

What is this antiquated notion that we can't call them? NEED I REMIND U-this is not the age of the Cleavers, the Evans or the Huxtables-he has more options (as in people to date), more choice (as in lifestyle -and who SAYS Marriage is the option for me?) and access (We have text, vm, email, twitter, FB & PHONE). Why are you so fearful Ladies? Why do you care if you look bad? In this age, Men have just as much if not more to lose than you when it comes to putting themselves out there.

Let's just re-visit options for a moment-at the risk of being very UN-Politically Correct-I hear so many Sista's say Wow- "Becky" is so aggressive!" How about "Becky" is just normal??? Maybe she has a self-confidence that we don't-have you thought about that? ( I fully am aware that some of you are spitting fire right now and can't wait to bombard and hurl me with angry bitter comments but so be it...this is my opinion and it's a free country!) Maybe.."Becky" said Hi to that cute shy guy who is just as afraid of speaking to us as we are to him when you wouldn't even crack a smile? Maybe the guy with all that SWAGGER & Bravado that isn't afraid to speak to you & every woman in the room has been around the block a few times because he's the Bad Boy we so like??? (By the way-how did that work for you????)

MAYBE all things being equal and after your date with the nice guy that you had a connection with, perhaps it was "Becky" that made the follow-up phone call after the date to let him know she had a great time, and would love to see him again. All I'm saying-if she's a Becky or not-sometimes the woman who extends herself outside of her ARMOR-WINS. There is way too much access, choice and options people! Forgive the cliche, but PLAY TO WIN.

Ladies what's the problem? Life is not about the Fairytale. So many people have not truly seen a healthy two parent household or even a healthy relationship between a man and woman that we idealize what it should be based on the TV, Film, Books-Media and the other un-informed, misguided and even BITTER individuals we so willingly listen too- instead of making our own rules.

Really, what do you have to lose with saying hello? Calling him up? Sending that text? Really?? Yes Men are Hunters-don't forget that...but think of how they have been raised in this generation...there often wasn't that strong Patriarch like Cliff, like James Evans, like Ward Cleaver, to be the example....It was Momma who reigned Supreme and women are NOT Hunters-the dynamics have changed.; thus The Fantasy doesn't apply. The rules of the game have changed...but guess what -you have to be in the game to be a player-not sitting on the sidelines. Once you have made the move, figure out the next one and don't forget how to let the Man be the Man-you can't be the Momma and the Lover at the same time.

By no means am I suggesting you lower your expectations and be or do something that is not comfortable to you, but I am suggesting you be open to different methods and manage REALITY based on today's rules of Engagement.

Ciao dear Ones-and you best believe I practice what I preach!!


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

To Date or Not to Date

This is funny...I'm actually attempting to journal via blog my experiences in my love of love. Meaning...I am a Matchmaker who is currently single although I would love to meet my Mr. Right. But until I do...I can live vicariously through others by helping people to meet each other. In the process, I hope to impart some knowledge that I have learned about life, love, relationships to others and maybe find a better understanding of myself. Its preparation for me. Someone who was close to me used to say, "Life is a Journey" -an overused cliche true-but I truly never understood until I started to live in the present and experience the journey of life in the present.  

So for the first time in 3 years...2009 was a summer of freedom. It was rebirth. It was joyous. It was full of vitality and fun-after the last two summers of being miserable in a relationship that I had committed myself too...although he wasn't committed to me. It was truly an eye-opener into just how miserable I had been, when I realized this summer was the best, most happy summer I had since before my "relationship" I finally gained some new didn't lose anything D...but you have gained your self. I learned a bit, but its time to focus now....I'm working on matching dynamic men and women together-I'm going to concentrate on them for awhile....because although its been fun and's ben a distraction and I daresay a bit draining for me. As much as I love love, I love being in love and i truly love Men and having the attention of men, its just more than I can take at the moment.

To Date or Not to Date